How to talk to your mixed race friend, family member, or stranger

With America becoming increasingly diverse, there is a growing need for education about proper etiquette when approaching the topic of race with a mixed race contact. I myself have many white friends and family members who struggle to find appropriate and politically correct terminology when discussing race with me. I know their fumbling comes out of a genuine desire to bridge the racial gap and assert their acceptance of me and other mixed race individuals. Below is a crash course in what -- and what not -- to say.

1. Don't ask: "What are you?"

Many mixed race individuals including myself will be offended by this question. While the question itself comes from a place of natural curiosity, the way it is worded implies that the person in question is somehow subhuman or defined entirely by his or her race.

Instead ask: "What is your ethnicity / ethnic makeup," etc.

Many mixed race individuals (also including myself) love this question when worded this way. Are we being nit-picky? Maybe. But unless you're a minority yourself, you represent the majority and we represent the "Other." In general we love to celebrate our otherness with those who are genuinely interested and who show that they view us positively through the way they ask.

Caveat: Some mixed race individuals don't like this question at all, so the guideline above only works on a case by case basis.

2. Don't say: "You're beautiful because you're exotic."

Again, such a statement may make us feel subhuman and more like an animal in a zoo. We don't want to be beautiful because of the way we differ from whites. Rather, we want to be beautiful of our own accord, and we believe a white person can be just as good looking as we are. In fact, if we are part white ourselves, saying we're beautiful because we're exotic means that half of our ethnic makeup is not beautiful.

Instead say: "You're beautiful."

Who doesn't like to be told they're beautiful? This statement is sure to flatter the receiver and you can steer clear of race talk completely.

Caveat: Some mixed race individuals do love to be noticed for their exoticism, so again, I can't speak for everyone.

3. Don't say: "I'm color-blind" or "I don't see color."

Mixed race individuals don't like this statement because we can't relate. We see color every single day, there is no way around it. We notice the one black student in the class, or the one Asian student at the party. We notice the races of all the characters in every TV show or movie, of every person in every commercial, and in every magazine ad. We don't notice these things because we are obsessed with race. Rather, because of growing up as an "Other," there is no way for us not to notice the races of those around us.

Rather say: Nothing. There's really no PC equivalent to this statement. Just avoid it!

Even "I love every color of the rainbow" or "I appreciate everyone's differences" can be taken as an insult. Why? Because like it or not, every single human being has prejudice inside them, even us. We should all fight against it, of course, but not being at all affected by race isn't possible.

4. Don't say: "African-American." 

Once upon a time, African-American was politically correct. Much in the same way that homosexual was the PC term over gay. However, just as gays have taken back their original definer, so have blacks. African-American is now passe, because it's an irrelevant definition. After all, we don't call whites European-American, and many of us have ethnic roots in America that go all the way back to the 1600s.

Instead say: "black."

Remember the Black is Beautiful movement of the 60s? Well it's back.

Caveat: The plural of "black" is most often "black people," not "blacks." And especially not "the blacks." Again, this may be a nit-picky criteria, but no one wants to pull a Donald Trump and say "I have a great relationship with the blacks." We're not one unit, we are all individuals.

Mixies: What rules of etiquette do you have to contribute? Are there any here that you disagree with?


--Shannon Luders-Manuel

Catalog Models with Natural Hair

I've noticed a pattern in my online shopping habits. If a black woman is wearing a particular item of clothing, it makes me pay more attention to it. And if she has natural hair, I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside my chest like I am not a freak of nature but a catalog-worthy beauty, wild mane and all.

Here are some examples of natural beauties rocking the pages of online catalogs.

Check out this Venus vixen. So chic!

I first noticed this model a couple years ago and wrote Gap a big thank you!

Light skinned and still able to embrace her literal roots for Nordstrom. Sweet!

Forever 21 has this fierce model on its front page, though I can't find her actually modeling anything.

Well, catalog world, it's a start! Do any of my readers have more naturally nappy model findings to share?

-- Shannon Luders-Manuel

Should you get strabismus surgery?

I'm going to deviate from my normal topic for a moment and discuss my rare eye condition, as I know there are others out there like me who look for information about it on the internet. Here's my story, in completely lay terms:

I was born with Duane's syndrome (my right eye can't look to the right or to the left). I used an eye patch briefly when I was a kid and wore special glasses to help make the eye stronger.

I was born with both eyes able to look straight ahead when my head was faced straight ahead. As I got older, I had to turn my head increasingly to the left in order for my eyes to line up and work together. If I didn't turn my head, one eye would be focused on the object in front of me and the other would be off doing its own thing. For the most part I didn't notice it. It happened so gradually that it had just become second nature to me. But as you can see, over the years it had become pretty severe:

Looking "straight ahead"

I conversed this way, read this way, and even drove this way. A couple years ago I went to a top medical school and had surgery to correct the strabismus. It was a Children's Hospital, as strabismus affects mainly children, but the surgeons there will of course fix the problem at an age. I was put under general anesthesia and my pupils were sutured and pulled into a correct position.

While I am for the surgery and not against it, here's some information you'll want to know ahead of time to help make your decision and to make sure you have the best recovery possible:

• Don't take any Ibuprofen for a week before the surgery as it acts as a blood thinner.
• After the sutures are in place, you will be asked to wake up and wait for the anesthesia to wear off, and then the opthamologist adjusts the sutures as necessary.
• As you're coming out of the anesthesia, it will take awhile to be able to open your eyes, and if they put a breathing tube down your throat, you may have a hard time talking at first.
• If it's too painful to get the sutures adjusted while you're awake, it's possible for the anesthesiologist to put you back under for the surgeon to complete the procedure.
• There will be a lot of post-op bleeding (bloody tears) that may take several days to go away.
• Your eyes may feel sandpapery for several days.
• If the sandpaper feeling doesn't go away after a couple of weeks, you may need to go in to get the exposed end of the suture trimmed, which is not painful.

While my recovery was more difficult than most, the outcome was definitely worth it. And while it is mostly a cosmetic procedure, insurance does cover it. Or at least it does in some cases... I can only speak for myself! Now that my eyes are aligned, I no longer need 10 and 12-strength prisms. I look invested in the person I'm talking to instead of annoyed or flippant, and I have become a better driver.

Hope this helps!

--Shannon Luders-Manuel

Post-op

The Garnier Girls

Is it just me, or do the women of Garnier Fructis commercials have better hair before they "use the product"? Here is an example, not of one I've seen on TV, but of one I found on youtube:



We seem to have two parallel trends going on right now in fashion. One is a continuation of straight haired women being pressured to iron their hair even straighter, and the other is a comeback of big hair on the trendsetting platform of the runway. Granted, neither straight hair nor curly hair is better than the other. But in my opinion Garnier would be better off to show women with a lot more distressed hair in their "before" footage. Healthy hair, like a healthy body, should always be the goal no matter what form it comes in.

Women of the world: let's celebrate our curls!

--Shannon Luders-Manuel

I Support Elizabeth Smart

The following article of mine was reprinted without my permission and I don't endorse or support the blogger's theories on Elizabeth Smart:

Who is more disturbed: Gerry McCann or Ed Smart?
CAPTIVE AMERICA: SMART, ROWLANDSON AND THE COLONIAL SENTIMENT
Shannon Luders-Manuel

I'm posting my statement here because there is no way to contact the blogger or to post comments on her site. Elizabeth, I am so very sorry for what happened to you and that there are those who claim your abduction was all a propagandist scam. My article in no way supports that theory.

The original can be viewed on Vanderbilt's website, here:

AmeriQuests, Vol 7, No 1 (2010)

-- Shannon Luders-Manuel

Big Hair Makes a Comeback on What Not to Wear

Tonight I sat down on the couch in my sweats and watched one of my favorite shows: What Not to Wear. They've had black women on the show before, but Amanda Rodriguez is one of the only clients I've seen with natural hair. I was nervous for her when it got time for her hair makeover. I was sure the stylist was going to cut off major length and iron her beautiful curls straight, especially since he usually irons even relatively straight hair. I relaxed a little when I saw Ted Gibson pop up on the screen -- the black stylist who has replaced the much loved Nick Arrojo. Normally I prefer Arrojo, but Gibson being black made me hopeful that he would let her keep her god-given curls.

Not only did Gibson honor my wish, but he actually made her hair bigger. Instead of killing her curls, he used a diffuser, advised her not to shampoo her hair every day, and to use leave-in conditioner. Teri LaFlesh, author of Curly Like Me, says it's best not to use a hair dryer at all (which I don't follow or I seem to have water dripping down my back) and to leave in actual conditioner and not leave-in conditioner (which I do follow and it's made a world of difference). But regardless of slight variations of upkeep and styling, his advice to Rodriguez, which was also advice to the millions of viewers, was a breath of forward thinking fresh air in a behind the times hair world, much like Urban Outfitters high rise jeans that actually look cute and get rid of the 21st century faux pas of female butt crack. But that's another story for another time.

While I haven't seen every episode of What Not to Wear, I have seen only one other where the stylist made a black woman's hair bigger than it already was. Granted, most of the few black clients who come on the show already have chemically straightened hair, so there is no curl left to work with. Even though I had seen that one previous episode, the one I saw tonight stood out to me more. Maybe because Rodriguez is my age, or has my body, or has my exact hair texture. Maybe it's because, like me, she's a compulsive smiler even when her pet dies. Whatever the reason, the fact that Ted Gibson celebrated her curls, is, for me, a step forward in mainstream culture accepting us curly-haired women just as we are.

After finishing the show, I broke the cardinal rule and went out to Walgreen's in everything What Not to Wear said not to wear. But hey, it was 1:00 a.m.

--Shannon Luders-Manuel

The anti-anti-processed hair movement

Rachel Jessica Daniel

In grad school, my friend Rachel sported a magnificent afro. As each year went by the gravity defying circle atop her head grew at an excitingly alarming rate. She prided herself on her natural nappiness with fervor akin to the black is beautiful movement of the 70s. Because of this I was very surprised when Rachel decided to give up her natural fro and sport a long, sleek weave instead. On her facebook page, she stated that black women should not be defined by their hair. Since reading this statement I have come to ponder over her words and develop my own opinion as to the validity and strength behind her statement. My question to myself, and now to you the readers is: Is defining ourselves by natural hair just as restricting as our predecessors who defined theirs by their ability to make their hair behave?

I myself admit that I am guilty of judging black women who keep their hair in what I term to be the self-oppression mirrored to us by white society. I wonder how these women can perpetuate the notion that our hair must be sleek and shiny in order to fit into Caucasian society. I want these women to caste off the shackles of hair slavery and create new lives for themselves dictated by their own definition of what is beautiful. So when I read Rachel's words, I automatically felt that her new position had let me down. How could someone so dedicated to the cause just give up like that? How could she turn her back on us and call us women who define ourselves by our hair?

But do we, as biracial women, perhaps use our belief in the beauty of natural hair in a way that undermines our more fully black sisters with kinkier manes? Just as people come in all colors, so does hair come in all textures, and those of us who have one parent with straighter, sleeker hair are of course bound to have looser, spirally curls. And many of us biracial women--myself among them--are on the front lines of supporting mixed race marriages which, while natural, is a choice to step outside of the more socially acceptable mores of one's race.

And going one step further, perhaps claiming that only natural hair is beautiful is just as limiting and dangerous to black expression as saying that only weaves or chemical treatments are. After all, my decision to go natural coincided with a decision to adorn myself with a nose ring, painted fingernails, and makeup -- all anti-natural modes of self-representation. Sure, all those things are supposed to enhance natural beauty, but they in and of themselves are not natural. So why is altering one's hair any less socially acceptable?

Hearing my friend Rachel's words hasn't changed the way I want to do my hair, but it has challenged my quick judgments against other women for their own hair choices. Perhaps the freedom to go natural and the freedom to alter comes from the same place: namely, the freedom to make one's own choices. I have to admit that when I do get my wonderful curls ironed straight for a haircut, I'm blown away by how sleek and shiny my own hair looks and I revel in being able to do the things other girls do, like tuck my hair behind my ears or run my fingers through it without it frizzing up. I love my curls too much to straighten them permanently or add a weave, but now I won't beat myself up at getting a blow out every now and then. After all, those with naturally straight hair don't question their race loyalty when they take out the curling iron. Yes, Rachel, our hair does not define us. Our power comes from the knowledge that we can make our own hair choices, and create our own unique looks and be whoever we want to be.

--Shannon Luders-Manuel

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